Let Them Leave
Audio Overview
January 2025 was one of the challenging periods of my life. I found myself at a crossroads, faced with a difficult decision: should I fight to hold on to people who were ready to walk away, or should I let them go? At first, the thought of letting go felt like surrender, like giving up on something that once mattered. But as I reflected, I came to a life-changing realization when people choose to leave, it is not my responsibility to convince them to stay. True connections should never require force or persuasion, and holding onto someone who has already decided to leave only prolongs the inevitable. So, rather than clinging to what was slipping away, I chose to step back and let them go.
This perspective may seem counterintuitive at first, especially in a world that often emphasizes fighting for relationships, proving loyalty, and never giving up on people. However, I’ve learned that there's profound peace in allowing things to unfold naturally. Don’t fight to keep people who no longer want to be in your life.
This mindset doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships but it extends to friendships, family ties, and even professional relationships. Time and experience have taught me that when someone decides to distance themselves, it’s often a reflection of where they are on their own journey, not a measure of your worth. Clinging to relationships out of fear, insecurity, or obligation only leads to unnecessary pain. Instead, accepting that not everyone is meant to stay forever frees us to focus on the relationships that are genuine, mutual, and fulfilling.
The Inevitable Tide
Have you ever truly succeeded in holding on to someone who was determined to leave? Has actively fighting to keep a person in your life whether in a romantic relationship, friendship, or any other bond ever led to a lasting, fulfilling connection? More often than not, the answer is no. Dr. Orion Tabban puts it plainly: "Fighting to keep someone in your life is ineffective. It just doesn’t work." When someone has already made the decision to walk away, any attempt to block their exit only intensifies their desire to leave. The more you resist, the harder they push to break free.
Dr. Tabban compares this dynamic to being in a cult easy to get in, but difficult to escape. When people feel trapped, they don’t reconsider their decision to leave but they only fight harder to reclaim their freedom. This is why he advocates for the complete opposite approach: relationships should be "hard to get into and very easy to get out of." The exit should always be open, not as an invitation for people to leave, but as a sign that their presence in your life is a choice, not an obligation.
This perspective resonates deeply with me because I’ve found myself on both sides of this painful reality. I’ve been the one desperately clinging to someone who was slipping away, convincing myself that if I tried hard enough, they might change their mind. I’ve also been the one who felt suffocated by another person’s attempts to hold on to me when my heart was no longer in it. In both situations, the struggle only caused more harm. Holding on out of fear, guilt, or desperation never strengthens a relationship it only creates tension and resentment.
Even if you do manage to convince someone to stay, as Dr. Tabban explains, it’s often a "Pyrrhic victory" a short-term win that comes at too great a cost. They may remain in your life, but not because they truly want to be there. Instead, their presence is driven by guilt, pity, obligation, or even fear of hurting you. These emotions are fleeting and cannot sustain a meaningful connection. Sooner or later, the underlying desire to leave will resurface, and the cycle of conflict and heartbreak will begin again.
The truth is, authentic relationships cannot be forced. Love, friendship, and human connection must be freely given, not demanded or coerced. When we fight to keep someone who wants to leave, we are not preserving the relationship but we are merely postponing the inevitable. The most powerful, self-respecting choice we can make is to let go with grace. When someone chooses to walk away, it’s not a failure but it’s a redirection, making space for the right people who genuinely want to be in our lives.
Fighting for the Wrong Things
Often, our instinct to fight for a relationship isn’t just about love but it’s about fear. The fear of loss, the fear of rejection, and, in some cases, the fear that we are not enough. As Cara Bowen insightfully points out, we sometimes fight harder to be chosen than we fight for ourselves. We stay in relationships where we feel unappreciated, undervalued, or even disrespected, believing that if we just try harder and if we prove our loyalty, patience, and endurance maybe the other person will finally see our worth. But this is a painful illusion. Love, real love, "doesn’t require you to prove your fight. Love fights with you, not against you." In other words, the right person will stand beside you, not force you into a constant battle just to keep them in your life.
Bowen’s own experience highlights a common misunderstanding about love and effort. She recalls being accused of "not fighting hard enough" when a relationship ended, as if leaving was a sign of failure or weakness. But in reality, walking away is not always a form of surrender. It is often a redirection of our efforts and a conscious choice to fight for something different, something more aligned with our well-being. As she powerfully redefines it: "When I walked away from the relationship, I didn’t stop fighting. I just began fighting for something else. I stopped fighting for it to work out no matter what and started fighting for what was best for both of us." This shift in mindset is incredibly liberating. Instead of expending all of our energy trying to hold onto someone who is drifting away, we can redirect that strength toward something far more meaningful—ourselves.
Fighting for love does not mean sacrificing our own worth in the process. A relationship should never require one person to constantly prove their value while the other remains distant or uninterested. Love should be mutual, reciprocal, and full of shared effort. If we find ourselves in a dynamic where we are the only one holding on, it may be time to reevaluate what we are truly fighting for. Instead of desperately clinging to someone whose heart has already left, we can fight for our own self-respect, our well-being, and the love we genuinely deserve.
At the end of the day, the hardest but most rewarding battle we will ever fight is the one for ourselves. Walking away from something that no longer serves us is not a sign of failure but it is an act of self-love and strength. The moment we stop chasing after people who don’t value us is the moment we free ourselves to welcome those who will.
The Open Door and the High Precipice
Dr. Orion Tabban offers a powerful analogy: imagine standing on the edge of a high cliff with no guardrail. The sheer awareness of the potential danger naturally makes people more cautious and mindful of their movements. In the same way, when people know that the "exit is always open and unobstructed," they tend to be more conscious of their actions within a relationship. They won’t take your presence for granted if they understand that you won’t desperately fight to keep them there "irrespective of what they say or do." This creates a different kind of respect. One that isn’t driven by fear or obligation but by the understanding that the relationship is a choice, freely made by both individuals.
However, this doesn’t mean playing emotional games or creating artificial distance to manipulate someone into valuing you. It’s about recognizing your self-worth and understanding that you deserve to be with someone who genuinely chooses to be in your life. If someone frequently threatens to leave or tests your commitment by walking away, it’s essential to remember Dr. Tabban’s straightforward advice: "If someone actually leaves, like they literally walk out then never, ever, ever chase them down." The foundation of a healthy relationship should never require you to beg for someone's presence. According to Dr. Tabban, "The bare minimum required to resume a relationship is that they have to walk back in."
In other words, love and commitment should be mutual. A person who truly values the relationship won't expect you to chase after them every time they choose to walk away. Instead of exhausting yourself trying to convince someone to stay, allow space for those who genuinely want to be there because the right people won’t need to be begged to remain in your life.
Fighting for Your Heart
At the core of a fulfilled and healthy life is one crucial battle which are the fight for our own hearts. This means recognizing our inherent worth, setting firm boundaries, and having the strength to walk away from relationships and situations that stifle our growth rather than nurture it. Too often, we exhaust ourselves fighting to be seen, valued, or chosen by others while neglecting the most important commitment of all, the one we owe to ourselves. As Cara Bowen beautifully puts it, "You are worth fighting for, but don’t forget to fight for your heart and to walk away from something that is suffocating the beauty that’s within you."
Many people mistake letting go for giving up, but in reality, releasing something that no longer serves you is one of the bravest and most self-loving things you can do. Holding on to a connection that drains you, diminishes your self-worth, or fills you with constant insecurity does not bring happiness but it only prolongs pain. Walking away is not a sign of weakness; it is an act of profound self-respect. It is a declaration that you refuse to settle for less than what you deserve. By letting go, you create space not just for healing, but for new opportunities, new relationships, and deeper connections with people who genuinely cherish and appreciate you.
So, if someone in your life begins to pull away or makes the decision to leave, take a moment to acknowledge your emotions, but resist the urge to fight for someone who no longer wants to stay. Instead, let them go with grace. Wish them well, express gratitude for the time you shared, and remind yourself that their departure is not a reflection of your worth. Sometimes, people leave because their role in your story has come to an end, and clinging to them only keeps you from discovering the beautiful chapters still ahead.
The love, respect, and loyalty you desire should never have to be begged for and it should be given willingly. The people who are meant to be in your life will remain not because you fought to keep them, but because they genuinely value and choose to stay. You are not meant to chase love but you are meant to receive it freely, wholeheartedly, and without condition. And when you begin to fight for yourself instead of fighting to hold on to others, you open the door to the kind of love and relationships that truly make life meaningful.
Recommended Reading Materials
- Episode 460: Don't fight to keep people (you lose when you win): A podcast episode by Dr. Orion Tabban discussing the futility of fighting to keep someone in your life. It emphasizes the importance of letting go and allowing people to make their own choices. https://oriontaraban.podbean.com/e/episode-460/
- You Shouldn't Have To Fight For Someone's Love: An article that highlights the importance of mutual effort and how love shouldn't feel like a constant battle. It encourages readers to recognize their worth and seek relationships where they are valued and appreciated. https://thought.is/you-shouldnt-have-to-fight-for-someones-love/
- Love Is Not The Same In Your Twenties, And That's A Good Thing: An article discussing how our understanding of love evolves as we mature. It suggests that recognizing this evolution can lead to healthier and more fulfilling relationships. https://thought.is/love-is-not-the-same-in-your-twenties-and-thats-a-good-thing/